Rock and a hard place

The gossips (these are boys, by the way) come into my classroom and start the day with: "guess what Ms. L, guess what! Guess who A is dating."

Me: "Who? You?"

Gossips: "No. Mr. Naughty."

Me: "Wait, what?"

Gossips: "Yeah, ask her."

Let me give you some background. A is one of my favorite students of all time. She works her butt off for me, and has been working her butt off for almost 2 years. Her family is ridiculously supportive. They both went to Ohio State (go Big Ten!), they volunteer at school, her mother works at our K-3 feeder school. Her mom and I are close - we talk about school, her kiddos, we have gone out on social occasions. Heck, we even text about our favorite trashy tv shows. She's a colleague and I have one of her kids' best interests at heart.

Her family is amazing, too. A plays travel softball (which is a big deal in our demographic because it is so expensive.) She goes to camps to improve her game. Her family reminds me a lot of mine growing up: they play sports together, spend time together as a family, and laugh a lot.

So, first dilemma. A's mother has been adamant that A cannot date until she is 16. We have talked about this on numerous occasions.

Second dilemma: If A was dating someone innocuous, you know, one of the closeted gay 7th graders who wants to watch chick flicks and listen to music from female singers identified only by first names (Madonna, Cher, Barbara, Britney, etc), I'd be okay with this.

BUT SHE'S DATING MR. NAUGHTY.

Mr. Naughty, who drives every adult crazy. Mr. Naughty, who pimps out his first grade brother to fight other first graders while everyone watches. Mr. Naughty, who wears beaded, colored bracelets on his wrist to signify what he has done with a girl.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. Yes, that's right. They brag about sexual conquests via jewelry.

So, this kid is a bad influence on A. Seriously. She's too innocent for him. I am afraid he is either going to a) hurt her or b) make her do something she's not comfortable with.

And let's think about my demographic. Not comfortable with = unwanted pregnancy.

So now I'm caught between a rock and a hard place because I know she shouldn't be dating a boy. But I don't want to tell her mom. But I don't want her to do something I know she is not ready for.

I don't want her to be another bracelet on his wrist.

WIN

Brown just sent this to me.

Our long-standing joke just keeps on going.

Training Hilarity

Guess what? Sometimes, I do something other than teach, read, and whine about teaching/reading.

I know, you're shocked.

I also spend a great deal of time at the gym. I got a trainer (paid him an arm and a leg, but it was for a good reason) and get my ass kicked by him on a frequent basis.

Confession: I love my trainer because he's an asshole. I don't understand why I love assholes, but it seems like I wouldn't work for someone who was kind, nice, or not smarmy.

So today, as I'm doing calves and making fun of his counting ability, I finish my 2nd set of 50 raises. I was like, "oy. I have to do that again?"

And I heard him say: "Shut your mouth. You have one more set."

I said: "I can't believe you just said that to me." And then I made a mad face.

He goes: "What are you talking about?"

"You just told me to shut my mouth."

"No I didn't. I told you to stretch it out."

Then we laughed. A lot. And I still had to do calves.

Did you really just do that?

Scene: First class, after specials. (These are my special kiddos. Grenade is there. With 15 other kiddos who have IEP's)

Assignment: Problem solving.

Adults in the room: 3. Myself, working with a small group, special ed teacher, working with a small group of students (doing exactly what we were told to do in our "attack your teaching styles" meeting this morning), and guitar-playing special ed assistant, also working with a small group of students.

What happened: One of my kiddos, who is generally well behaved, is working with a small group of kids and no adults. I look over, and I say, "Guys, get back to work. I see that you are gossiping." They all nod and go to work. Then, I hear this one kid say, "Damn my brother." And I say, quickly, "J - watch your mouth."

Reasons I say this: Since Grenade is not allowed to swear, and I have to tell her to watch her mouth, everyone else gets the phrase "watch your mouth" if they swear. He does not get in trouble, he doesn't need to move, he just gets "watch your mouth."

Response: "WHY? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING." Me: "You swore. You need to watch your mouth." Him: "WHAT DID I SAY? WHAT DID I SAY?" (He is yelling, the class is getting quieter, and looking at him.) Me: "You swore. I'm not going to get into this argument with you."

Then he stands up, throws all of his stuff on the ground, and storms out of the room. As he is walking, he throws his pencil at me and it hits me in the leg. He yells, "I'M GOING TO THE OFFICE."

My response: "You did not just throw a pencil at me."

Everyone else: The kiddos are silent as they watch him leave. Basically, my crazy class is scared silent as the other two adults in the room look shocked.

Real Men do Read

Real Men Read. That's right!

I love this for multiple reasons, but the major reason is that my boys need more male role models. Good male role models.

And I just hope that every strong male will try to do this.

Cool!

Fell in love with this blog.

Hoping that I get to spend a year teaching nonfiction to children.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

BSB and Piaget

One of my favorite people just wrote an amazing blog piece. Read it here.

Not only did she write about the Backstreet Boys (thanks, besties from middle school and beyond, for forcing me to love them), she delves deep into the ideas of Piaget and moving from concrete to abstract reasoning.

I feel like I live in a world of Piaget every day. EVERY DAY. My kiddos are at the developmental age where Piaget claims that some of them are ready to move from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. If I could teach in Montessori land, (how I miss you, college job with no stress), it is a great place to be. You can see kiddos' minds churning with ideas, and finally "getting" things like algebra. Its beautiful when it is their turn to get it.

Did you read that? When it is their turn. When they are ready.

NOT, state of Arizona, WHEN THEY ARE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND.

So I spend my days trying to teach abstract concepts as concretely as possible, using blocks, manipulatives, real world examples, etc, but I yearn for a time where "the man" doesn't do something that students are not developmentally ready for.

Case in point: 5th graders solving two step equations. Not reasoning through them. Just solving them. Oy. I think Piaget is turning over in his grave.

Cruelty to women = okay?

But cruelty against animals is forbidden.

Forbidden. If you do this, you will be dropped from your Nike endorsements. Thanks for showing us this, Michael Vick.

But apparently, you can treat women cruelly. Ala Tiger and Big Ben.

So it lends to this question: why are male athletes allowed to be cruel to women but not animals? Because according to Nike, that's okay.

What do you think you're teaching my students, Nike? Don't get caught dog fighting but do sexually assault women in bathrooms? Great. Just awesome. Thanks, Nike, for teaching us that women are second class citizens but dogs deserve the very best.

Ms. L 15, G Funk 12

One of my favorite teachers (and human beings) on the planet has been teaching with me since we both started out our school almost 3 years ago. He went to college with the people that I went to high school with. Its strange how small the world is.

So we play this game, myself and G Funk, where we get points for saying sexually inappropriate things to each other without anyone else hearing. We call it the sexual harassment game. This year, I am finally winning.

Today we had the carnival. Apparently, at about 2:00 today, it was decided to have a "pie a teacher in the face" booth. The kids in ISS (in school suspension) got to vote on what teachers they wanted to pie. Guess who picked me? Yeah. That's right. So I spent 3 hours after school getting pied in the face.

As I bring my pie-covered body over to G Funk at his booth, I sneak up behind him with whipped cream on my hand and rub it on his face. His response: "I don't even get that much white stuff on a face...." Followed by "Annnndddd....POINT."

So our current score is me 15, G Funk 12.

Hilarity and sass...

Is it bad that this reminds me of one of my students?

He is ridiculously sassy, though. He told a teacher that her purse was too small....and sometimes that we "try too hard on the pretty."

I got this on You Tube. Here.

LOVE IT.

This combines two of my favorite things: Gaga and strings.

I found it on youtube.


It makes me so happy.

The examined life...

Loving this idea posed in the NYTimes.

How cute would it be to have 8 year olds discussing philosophy?

I think we need to do more of this in school....its hard to teach older children that it is okay to have feelings and beliefs as long as they can justify and reason their feelings/beliefs.

If we start teaching it at a young age, it will lead to more tolerance, rational thinking, etc.

Maybe the kiddos can start discussing the whole tree making noise in a forest when no one is there....

Mixed feelings...

I have mixed feelings about this idea.

When I first read it, I said, "Yes! This is great. Alternative certification pathways can create their own degrees. This sounds like it is smart."

But then, I started to think about it. I was lucky to get my Masters while I was teaching. I had an amazing experience at ASU...we learned in cohorts and my cohort really delved into what it meant to collaborate and share experiences. I had some really great professors (and some really out there ones) who taught me SO much about teaching.

I also had a great professor who came into my classroom and focused on myself as an educator and how I could become a better educator.

Now this is different than the TFA way of observing. They observe how you can get more kids to master the objective.

See the distinction? Me vs. kiddos.

And the thing is, you need both. You need TFA giving you feedback on your student achievement data. You need them hounding you. You need their professional development. But man, I'm a better educator because I also had education professors teaching me stuff that TFA glosses over. You know - educational theory, practice, instructing the English Language Learner, how to teach literacy, how to teach social studies, HOW TO TEACH CONTENT IN GENERAL...

Anecdotal evidence: My TFA Program Director, in my first year of teaching, lauded my class and how much work we did, etc. But I was SO frustrated with my afternoon class, I could barely handle it. My ASU professor came in to watch. She noticed that my kiddos craved my attention, whether positive or negative, and would do things to get my attention. Then, we tracked how I gave attention. Then, we diagnosed how to only give positive and not negative attention to my kiddos. Then, we designed a way that this would work. Then, my sanity was restored.

Were the kids learning? Yes. Did my data show growth? Yes. So TFA was happy. Was I ready to pull out my hair? Yes. Was my management where it should be? No. So my ASU professor fixed it. And made me a better educator. :)

TFA cannot give the same education that an education school does. We need both. We need professors who are not from Teach for America, and instead have been great educators for years, and we need TFA to be there with their model that works.

So, sadly, I'm going to have to say that TFA starting a master's program is not something I think is a great idea.

Toons!

I find these cartoons hilarious. For multiple reasons. Mostly because I have a disturbing sense of humor.

This next one makes me laugh because I would love to take a test about velociraptors.

We all know I have some ridiculous obsession with flowcharts. Thus, this is funny. (Especially the "angsty about it? Yes you are" comment)

OH MY GOSH IS THIS ONE HILARIOUS. We only use the argument when it is convenient...

What WOULD Escher do?

Tick, Tick, Tick...sigh of relief?

Guess what happens the Friday of testing week in Arizona?

The 4th and 8th graders have to take a science test.

Now, by process of elimination, this means that the 5th, 6th, and 7th graders don't. Right. But the classrooms next to you (that share walls) are taking a test. Not just a little test, no. A test where you have to be silent. SILENT.

Have you ever had to keep 30 7th graders silent from 8:15 until 11:46? Oh wait, no? RIGHT, because its impossible.

So, because I think ahead, I had reserved the computer lab for a few periods on Friday. Its in the middle of nowhere on the campus, sharing walls with, well, no one. So after trying to work with blocks and patterns (which devolved into too much talking) and art class (which devolved into the art teacher getting annoyed with every single one of them) we went to the computer lab.

So most of them were happily wearing headphones, designing new shoes (Nike ID or Converse Make). We had to use some of the laptops, and I sat down next to a few of them, who were showing me lots and lots of pitbulls.

And then, out of the blue, Grenade comes over and sits by me. SITS. BY. ME. She told me it was because her computer was slow.

And she proceeded to have a normal conversation with myself and the two boys that were showing me pitbulls. She was calm. She answered our questions. She told stories. She NEVER got upset with me...even as the boys were giving her crap. Even as I was using sarcasm.

That girl. She's SO good one on one. I wish people could see that...she's fine when she's not overwhelmed by people.

I used to think blowing bubbles was fun...

Until I have had my share of bubbles for the rest of my life.

I am SO done with testing. I'm done with checking bubbles, rechecking bubbles, checking to make sure you bubbled in the correct form, looking for stray pencil marks, erasing, re-erasing, rechecking bubbles.....

Really, NCLB? Really, Obama? This is what you imagined when we needed more accountability? I'm accountable for bubbles.

Now, I'm not allowed to look at the questions, to make sure that you are bubbling in the correct number when you are working on a question, to clarify concepts, to answer legitimate questions, to allow you to use a dictionary (even though, in life, IN SCHOOL, we teach you how to use your resources if you need to know something you don't), to adapt directions to fit your needs, to let you test how you want, to give you breaks if you need them, to let you re-check your work after I have collected your book, to give you a CALCULATOR (although again, if you need a calculator in life, you're allowed to have one) or to generally let me assess you how I know you need to be assessed. BUT I MUST CHECK YOUR BUBBLES.

I'm so glad I'm done with the bubbles.

Especially since one of my lovelies decided to spill water on his answer sheet. When he was completely done. Which meant that I had to rebubble in 187 questions for him after school. Not to mention all of the information on the back (name, birthdate, soul, etc...)

No. More. Bubbles.

Things that I dislike

Things that I dislike:

Caging children in like animals so they can take a test for 4 days. FOUR DAYS.

No WONDER my kiddos don't pass this stupid test. I would stop caring if I had to take a test for 4 days. One day, I write. The next 3 days, I take reading and math tests. Really? Really?

When adults take tests, they finish and then get to leave. But not my kids. They finish and then have to sit in silence until everyone is done. DO YOU KNOW HOW DISTRACTING THAT IS?

Oh, let's all stare at the one kid who is actually TRYING to do well and give him the STINK EYE because we have to be silent. And we're in 7th grade. So peer pressure works. So then we fill in those last few questions as quickly as possible so that everyone can stop being silent.

OH STANDARDIZED TESTING. I HATE YOU SOMETIMES.

Ridiculous Sense of humor

Yes. I have a ridiculous sense of humor. This is why this blog is hilarious.

I like this blog alot. ;)

I'll tell you why...

Educated people use bad words.

I use bad words for one reason alone. I have to NOT say them in front of my kiddos. I have to hold my sailor's tongue for about 8 hours a day.

And sometimes, it just comes out. You'd swear, too, if you had my job.

Speak to me....

Even if I don't quite understand what you are saying.

I love, love, love this series in the NY Times. But I was one of those people in high school who just "learned" calculus by memorizing whatever my (old and ridiculously boring) calc teacher said, practiced, practiced, practiced, and squeaked by.

It seems much more interesting when you think of calculus as the study of change. Why do we have to learn all of the crap, and memorize all of the motions of "doing" calculus before we can get to the beauty of understanding calculus?

I think if I replace the word "calculus" with "math," you'll see my frustration with being a middle school math teacher.

Why do we have to learn all of the crap, and memorize all of the motions of "doing" math before we can get to the beauty of understanding math?

Math is COMPLETELY opposite of reading. We read relentlessly to young children. We tell them stories, read them poetry, have them experience literature from a small age. They see the beauty of literature, the beauty of poetry, the BEAUTY of the written word WHILE we teach them how to decode the written word. They hear glorious books while learning how to understand and comprehend these glorious books.

But no, not math. You're not going to show a kindergarten student the beauty of using math like the golden ratio, parabolas of a jump shot, differentials and integrals, before they can count to 10.

Maybe this is why we get teachers (or humans) who claim to "hate" math. They never got to see the beauty of math. They were stuck...in their boring math classes.

I almost cried when I read this.

I almost cried when I read this.

It is so heartfelt and so true.

Windows...

Doors close, windows open.

What an interesting window, to say the least. We shall see, we shall see. (In the beginning of May!)

Heroine part two

My second heroine (after Michelle Rhee, of course), just spoke to the Economist.

Wait, what Wendy Kopp? You think successful teachers have the same qualities as successful leaders? Oh, and then you list what successful leaders have? "It follows that the characteristics our research has shown to differentiate our most successful teachers are leadership characteristics—perseverance in the face of challenges, the ability to influence and motivate others, organisational ability, problem-solving ability."

SHUT UP KOPP! Leaders are motivational? They can solve problems? Shut the front door. I've never experienced a leader like that...that's what real ones do?

(Ignore the fact that apparently the blogger in the article is Canadian or retarded, because every time the word organization is written, the writer spells it with an s)

Weird Science

This article is so near and dear to my heart, I have very few words.

Some days I wish I could do study after study and make conclusions so I could be written about in the times.

Mmmm....how insomnia has effected me for most of my adult life. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder....

I find all of this research so intriguing. It seems counter intuitive that sleep leads to more depression.

Bring on the explosions

I love it.

I think I should live in DC if I am so in love with their editorial staff, columnists, and educational policy makers.

Let's get to the point, here. Ed Hirsch, brilliant, brilliant man who created the Core Knowledge Series, writes about how to teach kids how to read.

YES YES YES. Listen to this one: "Several studies show that “poor” readers suddenly look quite strong when reading on subjects they know a lot about, and “strong” readers who have weak subject knowledge, suddenly look quite weak."

TEACH THE KIDS STUFF, and then they can read. Build. Background. Knowledge. Teach the subject, read about the subject, immerse yourself into the subject and BUILD good readers.

What this boils down to:
Whatever I teach next year, we're turning into scientists and historians. And we're going to blow stuff up.

Dog fight

So my kiddos have to sit in my room for 5 minutes after lunch before we switch classes. Its a long story. But they have 5 minutes of chat time.

Today, the smartboard was on and El Presidente was making shadow puppets of dogs. Well, JP goes up and they both proceed to make dog shapes from their hands, and have them begin to bark.

JP says this:
"1...2...3...Michael Vick time." And proceeds to use his dog shadow puppet and attack El Presidente's dog shadow puppet.

My abs hurt from laughing so hard. (That and the fact that I have killed it at the gym lately and my abs just hurt in general.)

Cheeky

I think everyone is a little stressed out this time of year. The kiddos know that the teachers are going ape shit crazy because of the most stressful test of life. (Thanks, NCLB.) Thus, the kids need to act crazy because the teachers are acting crazy.

So this is how craziness plays off in 7th grade.

In advanced class, whilst listening to the radio:
"Ms. L, this song IS dirty. Listen. She talks about liking the way he is touching her."
I try to make it not dirty: "Guys. He's probably, you know, touching her cheek."
JP's retort: "What cheek?"

I admit. I deserved it. But let's just continue the conversation that occurs.

Next song: Say Ahh, by Trey Songz. I'll admit, I like this song. (Okay, more than like. I enjoy it every time it plays while we're on the Vegas dance floor. I heart this song a lot.)

So, I ALWAYS thought that this song was about drinking. They talk about drinking. Lots of different beverages. Mostly champagne. You know, open your mouth and drink champagne. OR cranberry and vodka.

My kiddos had other ideas.
JP: "This song is even dirtier than the last one."
Me: "What?"
Sassy: "You know. The girls have no cups and they have to open their mouths and say ahh. Come on, Ms. L."
Me: "Guys, this song is about drinking. DRINKING."
JP: "Yeah, drinking someone's 'special sauce.'"

Enter the PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT COUNCIL.
El Presidente: "Yeah, alfredo sauce."

Me: "THIS DISCUSSION WILL STOP NOW."

My role model

Just got her way in DC. You go, Michelle Rhee. I love your outspoken nature, how you don't take crap from anyone, AND you can get teachers' unions to (semi) listen to you.

Let's discuss how brilliant Rhee is in raising teacher salaries. Thank you, Rhee, thank you.

We go hard.

Yes. I titled this entry correctly. It is:

A) Apparently our school motto. (You know, since our school actually has the name of a male reproductive organ in its name. So it makes PERFECT sense that our motto exploits that.)
B) The only thing (other than boobs) 7th grade boys think about.

Two separate discussions in two different classes made me realize that 7th grade boys have more hormones than PMSing girls.

Part one:

My kids are obsessed with the dance called "The Jerk." There are crazy dance moves in it, they all like to do it, there are like, a million videos of people dancing to it on you tube. I like to think about it as the Macarena of their generation.

Like the Macarena, it will be stupid to them in about 4 years. And they will always remember the dance. Until they die. And they will do it at really awkward events, like a second cousin's wedding. (That reminds me, I better tell the DJ at my sister's wedding that if he plays the Macarena I'm making my father stop payment on the check).

Back to the story. They like this dance. So I'm sitting at my circle table and we're working, and I have to run to my desk to get something. So this boy comes up to me at my desk, and he goes, "Ms. L, you know how much we've been dancing lately?"
"Yes."
"Well, have you ever seen a Jerk-off?"

Rewind. I'll re-write the question.

"Well, have you every seen a Jerk-off?"

OH GOD NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT TO ME. AT THE END OF THE DAY. WHEN I HAVE NO FILTER.

I spun around in my chair and silently laughed at my computer. He saw me shaking, thinks about it for a second, and goes, "NO NOT LIKE THAT."

Part two:

We're in advanced math, and they are doing their bell work while listening to the radio. The new Rihanna song comes on, and JP goes, "This song has a lot of metaphors in it. DIRTY ones."

I reply, "Oh, I know."

And then, the smartest girl I have ever known as a seventh grader goes, "I thought they were singing about bacon."

Me: "Wait, what? Honey, they are NOT talking about bacon."

JP: "Oh, well, they could metaphorically be talking about bacon. Well, bacon and eggs. Ha. You know, EGGS." And he proceeds to gyrate his hips around seductively.

ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING AS I STAND IN FRONT OF THE ROOM. And I laugh.

I wish someone would have warned me that 7th graders have dirty minds.

Silly

You know what I love? My bean table. Why? Because, when I finally clean it off and actually sit behind it (with my contraband chair, no less) and work with small groups of kids, WE LEARN SOMETHING!

Today, I decided that our small group learning was going to be about algebra. Specifically, the KILLER standard where my kids went from being able to solve one step equations last year (3x =21) to solving RIDICULOUSLY DEVELOPMENTALLY INAPPROPRIATE problems.

-7(x - 3) - 4x = 2x + 14 - 9x

Right. I literally die trying to teach this.

So we, in groups of 3 or 4, sit at the circle table and chug it out. We work hard on these questions, we help each other, we critique each others work, and boy, its generally a fun time being at the circle table. So much so, in fact, that my problem kiddos BEG to come to the table to learn. (They love working with me in small groups. They freaking love attention. Thus, they are a problem if they don't get it.)

So in my last class, I'm working with a trio of hilarious boys, and we all start laughing, and Shiny, from across the room, yells, "Whoa! Ms. L! You have a sense of humor? You're actually laughing!"

Oh how 7th graders think I'm not actually human...

Dear Alma Mater,

Well, moreso, the professors of the alma mater...

STOP SAYING STUPID STUFF.

A) Your school of education does not prepare teachers for anything but high school
B) You don't know what you're talking about
C) Did you ever think that class size doesn't matter BECAUSE you are studying students who all know English
D) WHAT ABOUT WHAT TEACHERS THINK?
E) Class size does matter. Spend a day with me.

So high...

Oh my kids are hilarious sometimes. This is one of those times.

One of my kiddos asked me, "Ms. L, can you have a circle graph that has 100% of one thing and 0% of something else?"

THE BEST QUESTION OF LIFE.

My answer: "Why yes. Yes there is." And I proceed to draw this graph as best as I can...




I then showed my favorite picture ever to them. (Its my advanced kids. I was hoping they would get it)

They asked me, "What does meatloaf have to do with anything."

"Meatloaf is a band, geniuses. They sing a song...you know, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

Then Mr. Witty steps up to the plate: "Meatloaf is a band's name? That band must have been really high when they named themselves. I mean, they were all probably sitting in a circle, listening to 'Pass the Dutchie', and someone said, we should make a band. Then another guy said, Dude yes, and let's call it Meatloaf. Meatloaf is tasty."

Me: "Did you just reference a song titled "Pass the Dutchie?"

I cannot believe that conversation occured in front of me. I laughed. For a long time.