Hot Mess

I'm officially calling myself a hot mess.

This is what my hot mess boils down to:
Do I want to:
a) Live in a place that I love, but go to a job that literally brings me to tears of disgust
b) Live in an amazing place that might kill me health wise, but go to a job that brings me joy and work with amazing people.

Here's the breakdown:
a) I love my city. I've always wanted to live in the PHX. I have literally no allergies here, for the first time in my life. It is not humid. The weather is gorgeous. I have friends. I have a gym. I mainly enjoy my life.
a part 2) My job drives me up the fricken wall. It is not the actual doing of the job. It is the bureaucracy of my job. I work for people who treat me like shit. Actual, total shit. I literally dread interacting with my bosses because I do not want to be beaten down any more on a daily basis. Everything that I do is wrong. Nothing I do is ever right. I am not appreciated, nor looked at as a person who knows anything. And, they are just MEAN to me. Outright mean. Like, send me text messages on the day of my NOLA interview to see if I am going to take the job so they can start looking for another teacher mean. MEAN MEAN MEAN. Move me outside of the job I want and make me do other jobs (cough ahem this entire year) MEAN. Then, tell me that I did a crappy job at a job I didn't want and KNEW I would do badly at. MEAN MEAN MEAN.

b) The other place is at a school that wants me. That wants me to contribute to the team. That has said that there is room for growth for me in the system. Like, room to develop as a curriculum leader for the entire organization in the city. HELLO. You want me? You think I have good things to offer? You want to continue the conversation with me about how to shape the curriculum and MOVE STUDENTS? Okay. Yes please. Your motto, the school rules are "work hard, be nice." Yes. YES PLEASE. Oh and you're not mean to your teachers. You, as the instructional leader of the school, take geniuine input from all stakeholders and make decisions together? Oh, that's how something is supposed to run? Who knew?

b part 2) Lifestyle choices. I am literally allergic to the entire city. My mother has pointed out how miserable I will be. I'm not, like, exaggerating here, either. My eyes have swelled shut on numerous occasions because of allergies. I actually spent a good chunk of middle school at doctors for months - eating antibiotics and Gatorade because I couldn't stomache anything else - in pet scans and mri's and ridiculous amounts of time to find out that I am, in fact, allergic to all living things. I did allergy shots. I stopped eating most foods. I avoided living things. And I was miserable.

So I spent a lot of time on my phone with my mother this evening crying. And crying. And being a hotty mess of indecision.

So we shall see, since my official offer for the job-o comes via email tomorrow.