Holy shit.

I guess it just hit me that I'm moving across the country in a month. 

And I have no job.  (It's not like I haven't been looking.  I've been looking.  And applying.  And interviewing.  A lot.)

Holy shit.

I don't even want to think about it.  I've started a new protocol - I have to apply for 2 jobs a day until I secure a job. 

Today I began my protocol, and I have a phone interview tomorrow. 

Yes, I heard from a job in 3 minutes.  Literally.  3 minutes after I sent my cover letter and resume.  (and I know they read it because they asked me to send more information...)  So we'll see. 

It just sucks because I hate telling people that I have no idea what I will be doing in a month. 

Twitch.

I am so stressed out my left eye has begun to twitch.  

Yes, I said that right.  Twitching eye.  One of my besties (who has known me for years) asked me if I wasn't sleeping....circa that crazy bout of insomnia a few years ago.

The problem is, I actually am sleeping.  I just have one student in particular that is causing my eye to twitch.  Uncontrollably.  Here is a recap of what he did today from 8:15 until 10 am.  

~Refusal to come to class on time (he was sitting by the portable with other students when our line went in this morning and then wandered campus until 8:20.  I called the attendance secretary and she made a note)

~Brought a hair claw to the library and attached it to a student's face and another's ear. 

~Refusal to give hair claw to librarian

~Refusal to give hair claw to me

~Refusal to do work after coming back from the library

~Refusal to leave classroom for cooldown in "in school suspension"

~After many attempts to leave classroom, had to be walked to the in school suspension room by me and the 6th grade science teacher

~After getting to "in school suspension", refused to go inside the room

~Sat in front of the principal's office and refused to go into the "in school suspension" room after multiple attempts by myself and other staff including the school psychologist

Karma. Or coming full circle.

I was looking at my bookshelf today after school, looking for a specific book.

I caught sight of this: a book my mother bought for me when I graduated college and moved into my new role in the working world.

I've read it once, and I think I should probably read it again. Why? Because today I read this article in the NY Times, about the new chancellor's first day of school.

What does the new chancellor say about good schools?

"Taking stock of all she has seen so far, Ms. Black said, 'Where there’s a strong and effective principal, where parents are committed, you have great schools.'”

Oh YEAH. The author of my inspirational big girl book is the new NYC school chancellor. Karma? Coming full circle?

Or just getting so frustrated with my lack of leadership that I MUST get away, put my big girl pants on, and find something to do where I am valued.

Time to do some reading. And job applications.

Newsworthy

For our unit on writing newspapers (now let's be honest, people. This is not actually just writing. We are basically learning how to read a newspaper...with a little writing sprinkled in. Oh, the joys of being self-contained.), one of our daily homework assignments is to bring home a quarter sheet of paper titled, "Newsworthy."

They have to fill out the topic of a news story, tell me where they heard/found the story, and why this is interesting for them. Basically, I con them into learning about current events/make them do something productive at night/get them talking about things that are happening in the world.

Plus its HILARIOUS what they write down.

Here are a few of my favorites from today.

"On Fox News (mini-Republican in the making?), a girl was forced to be on the SWAT team. This is interesting because I wonder how it feels being protected by the SWAT team."

"On Fox News, it was said that three Michigan boys are missing. This is interesting because missing three boys can make their parents worry so much." (How considerate.)

"On Channel 5 News, a guy kidnapped three kids and then tried to kill himself and was arrested. This is interesting because I don't want to get kidnapped." (Kiddo, who DOES want to get kidnapped?)

This was ALMOST my favorite:

"On ESPN, Northwestern won against Georgia Tech in NU's Stadium. This is interesting because that is my future college." (How. FREAKING. Cute.)

But this one is currently my favorite:

"On channel 36, a girl from a reality tv show (Teen Mom, if you were wondering, Ms. L)(that was actually a parenthetical quotation he put on his paper) was caught on tape hitting her boyfriend. This is interesting because men are not the only people who abuse women. WOMEN ALSO ABUSE MEN."

That's right. One of my kiddos referenced Teen Mom.

Setting us back. Tons and tons.

Dear Washington Post,

I understand that you want to publish opinion pieces and become controversial, but really, please STOP publishing stuff like this.

It hurts me. It pains me that a professor would EVER say that math is not important.

Okay, fine. I don't know differential calculus.

But damn, do I know how to solve almost ALL math problems. And yes, math is important. You need math. You need to learn how to solve problems, all TYPES of problems. And you learn problem solving IN MATH CLASS.

Clickers of joy.

I have, in fact, figured out how to use our school's CPS Remotes.

Remember in those huge science lecture classes at Northwestern, where you had to click in answers on your remote, and it was the way they took attendance?

Well, my kiddos have clickers now, too. And you know what it does? AUTOMATIC FUCKING GRADING.

I can see instantly who got the question right, who got it wrong, what percent of the kiddos got it right and wrong, what ANSWERS they chose instead of the correct answer...

Basically I am a happy data analyst because my data collection, after we get used to using these, is going to be SO MUCH FASTER AND EASIER.

Writing Class

Why haven't I been teaching writing for the past 3 years? The shit my kids come up with is priceless. PRICELESS.

We are working on this new writing curriculum (?) (I say this because we are ALWAYS using a new writing curriculum) where the kids write tons and tons of simple sentences. Then, they expand the sentences with various action expanders. Soon, they will surround the noun with exciting words. (I say this like I know what I am doing. I have no idea what I am doing. I wasn't allowed to attend the training because all of the spots were taken. And now it is "mandated" by the district. Bite me. But I digress.)

So, one of my favorites (Predator) wrote this sentence:

After court, we got milkshakes.

I. LITERALLY. DIE.

So as I tell this to my trainer, he says, "Well, at least court was good enough to have a celebration."
My response: "What if it was a consolation prize? Like, sorry Mommy is in jail, let's go get a milkshake."
His response: "It's more likely that they were celebrating because their dad wasn't going to get deported anymore."

AND THEN WE BOTH DIE. And I'm trying to do a chest press. Ass.

But there is more. One of my bright kids, we'll call him Smiley, stands up and reads a sentence about me farting. (Who knew that 5th graders are obsessed with farts? Legit. All they talk about is farting.) So instead of getting mad like they thought, I laughed.

Then, I changed our assessment. I put a list of teachers on the board that they were allowed to "write silly sentences about." They had to use my criteria. They could write about:

• The Principal
• The Vice Principal
• My co-teacher
• Their PE teacher (boy, do they love to write about him farting)
• The ISS teacher (you know, the woman who gets them all in trouble. SO MANY stories about her)
• Their soccer coach

I told them that if they wanted to write about anyone else, they had to ask me. I leave them to their sentence strips, and one of my peanuts, Smarty, raises his hand as he walks towards me.

"Smarty?"
"Ms. L, I want to write about someone different."
"Who?"
"Can I write about Mr. S?" (our old 7th grade math teacher. Who stopped teaching at our school when THEY were in 3rd grade. Who very few of them know I like to make fun of on a daily - or hourly - basis.)
"Why YES you can. As long as you say something about how he walks like a duck."

I HEART MY KIDDOS.

Purple?

Did you know that there may actually be a time in teaching when your mind is in the gutter and your little peanuts' minds are NOT?

Welcome to fifth grade. When they don't understand the naughtiness that runs rampant in middle school.

Conversation today:

J: "Miss L, what color is Uranus?"
Me: laughing hysterically. Trying to hold it together, but laughing out loud.
J: "What is so funny? What color is Uranus?" (this kid is legitimately clueless as to why I am laughing. He looks pained that I am laughing and not telling him.)
Me: "Uhhh....purple. Try purple?" (more laughter)
J: "I was thinking blue."
Me: "Blue's good. I have to go." (Cue me going to a different place in the room.)

"This infuriates me"

I have wonderfully brilliant friends. Wonderfully brilliant.

I come home from dinner tonight (with brilliant friends, no less) and I get this email from another brilliant friend. (Who, mind you, is one of the only people who will a) send me links to articles that he knows I will like and b) tolerate me when I send him links as well).

Email: This infuriates me...

Reply: WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?

"We all want what's fair for teachers and, yes, their job is supremely important. However, should a high school or grade school teacher make as much as a surgeon or highly educated and skilled doctor, lawyer or judge? "

Really, asshole? Really? How do you think those people became doctors, lawyers, and judges? HOW? Oh wait. They went to school. And were taught by...oh yes, TEACHERS.

(Okay but on the other hand I don't know if you need to be making 6 figures as a PE teacher/coach. And I also don't like that it seems like teachers in the rich districts make more. Shouldn't the teachers who are in the trenches be making 6 figures? I taught in upscale Chicago. I know how easy those kids are.)

BUT STILL.

Awesomeness. And school supplies.

Dear TFA person who convinced this company to donate things,

You. Are. Amazing. I come home from my awesome vacation, and I find a letter from you giving me a $100 gift certificate to really good stuff . com.

WHAT?

Basically, the letter says that this company wanted to donate money to elementary teachers, so they just SENT OUT gift certificates to TFA teachers and alums.

So I just ordered $99.94 of awesomeness. Tons of math games, books, manipulatives, stuff I would NEVER normally purchase with my own money because I'm frugal.

But when a free gift comes in the mail, begging me to order $100 of merchandise from your website, I'm game.

Thank you, Really Good Stuff and the guy from TFA who made this happen!

Don't you dare

lie about your experience as a teacher.

Don't. you. dare.

Do NOT speak like you spent ANY time teaching in the American school system. A private school, in London, in the 80s for ONE year does NOT give you the right to speak as a AMERICAN school teacher.

Really? You can say this? “[I remember] the kids who were the brightest lights of our country’s future, and I also remember those who bore scrutiny as people who might bring a gun to class.”

YOU DID NOT TEACH ANYONE IN OUR COUNTRY.

(Don't even get me started on the "nursery school" teaching you did. Right...a 4 year old in a private nursery school might bring a gun to school.)

Run your race. Fine. Just don't lie about something and then speak like you know what "we teachers" are going through.

States go rogue?

And by states, I mean one. Arizona.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

Stop it. Seriously. Has anyone read the US Constitution? Anyone?

How about this part? "This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding."

Right, the Constitution is the supreme law of the land. So.....here's what is says about citizenship.

Amendment 14: All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.

So what part of this does the AZ legislature not understand?

Please, someone please tell me how the law that AZ is proposing is constitutional. Please. Explain.

My loves

Today my kiddos played a huge softball tournament with the entire seventh grade. I was scared out of my mind, seeing as field day devolved into a mess of screaming and crying. I prayed. And prayed.

Then, I made a list of positive expectations for my kiddos. We went over them very carefully this morning. And then, bring on softball.

They went onto the field, and they did not yell, mock, argue, or fight with each other. They clapped for each other, cheered each other on. They clapped when a very shy, unathletic kiddo (but so sweet and cute) went up to bat. He struck out, but they still clapped. They didn’t even yell when people got out. And no one got sent to the principal.

But here’s the kicker. Our last game, we knew that we had to win to take the championship. SO I gave “Coach I” free reign of the lineup. I walk up to them before the game, and my sassy, competitive bitch says, “Ms. L, Teeth’s homeroom will not let him play. They say he is bad so he cannot hit the ball anymore. We want him to PLAY ON OUR TEAM.”

I said, “whatever you think is right.” I think: What? Who are you? I'm too proud of you to say anything else. Right now, I am glad I'm wearing sunglasses because I have tears in my eyes.

SO THEY PUT HIM IN THE BATTING ORDER.

Then, Mr. I bring illegal substances to school (and piss off Ms. L on an hourly basis) walked over to Teeth, GAVE HIM HIS ORANGE SHIRT TO WEAR, and said, “here, so you match our team.”

And Teeth was our first at bat. My entire class stood on the sideline and cheered and clapped for Teeth. He got out at first, but got 30 high fives from my homeroom as he came off the field.

My Super Colleague and I were glad we had sunglasses on because we were both in tears. I had to turn away from them because the tears were streaming down my face.

My little hooligans finally show me that they are going to become good humans. And I am proud.

Dear Harvard,

You let THIS guy into your school, but I don't get in?

Perhaps your admission department needs some different admissions counselors.

Sincerely,
Me

That's a new one...

This was the first time I've witnessed this situation in my school.

I walked into the hallway to get kids to go places during passing time, and what do I walk into?

A crazy lesbian love triangle screaming match/almost brawl in the middle of the hallway.

Wait, what? I didn't know there were any lesbians in the 8th grade in my school. Seriously?

So I run between them and sort of put my arms up in defense - saying, "girls, girls. Stop yelling. Stop fighting. Walk away." And in my head I'm thinking: "Is this really happening? Are they going to fight? If they fight, I'm screwed because these two are going to kill me."

So they are crying and there is more tension in the air than a frat party during new student week, and my 7th graders are STILL STANDING IN THE HALLWAY WATCHING AS I TRY TO BREAK UP THIS SOBBING MESS OF A LESBIAN LOVE TRIANGLE.

And I don't even know the kiddos names - and there are no 8th grade teachers in sight. So I get one to walk away, the other one goes to the wall and tries to explain it to me - but in a dramatic incoherant 8th grade way. So I'm not quite sure I understand what was going on. I kept hearing, "She cannot keep making her cry. Blah blah blah. I cannot believe she lets her treat her that way."

So after being wholly confused by the pronouns in this situation, and not entirely clear about what is going on, the three girls end up in a kumbaya circle with the principal and counselor.